★★★★☆
There’s a loneliness epidemic in America, and it’s having devastating consequences. I see the tragic impact that feeling isolated and misunderstood is having on college students in my daily work on a college campus. I’ve also experienced the unhappiness that comes with feeling alone and invisible, despite having a wonderful and loving circle of family and friends.
I thought How to Know a Person might give me some insight into how I could take steps in my own life to address this societal health crisis. Brooks presents some good information along with anecdotes from his own experiences in this book, which is divided into three parts: 1) I See You; 2) I See You in Your Struggles; and 3) I See You With Your Strengths.
In the saddest yet truest line in the book, he reminds us that people need more than love to feel truly seen. “You can be loved by a person yet not be known by them,” he powerfully and accurately observes.
So, how do we truly get to know each other when it seems like everyone has their heads buried in their smartphones or rushing to get somewhere else?
Brooks argues that people are more willing to engage in deep conversation than we give them credit for — in fact, he believes people crave it. He supports this claim by presenting evidence from a study conducted by Harvard neuroscientists that suggested people often derive more pleasure from sharing about themselves than they did from receiving cash.
“Seeing someone well is a powerfully creative act. No one can fully appreciate their own beauty and strengths unless those things are mirrored back to them in the mind of another.”
Brooks also emphasizes the power of using questions to get to know someone beyond the surface level. He underscores the importance of certain types of questions, which makes sense. However, in my opinion, he didn’t emphasize enough how important tone and timing are when posing questions to make people feel seen. I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel seen if questions are being posed in a rapid-fire manner without regard to the setting, no matter how deep or insightful the question.
There were some contradictions in his arguments, but given that life is full of contradictions, I didn’t get too hung up on those. Overall, this is an interesting read. Brooks convinced me that “seeing someone well is a powerfully creative act.” He also offers good insights and advice for those looking to connect more deeply with others.
